well, it appears that andrew and i are no longer an item. he is leaving. cant live with me like this. but he wont do anything to make it work. so i told him he has a day to decide what hes doing. at the end of that day, i will get eviction papers from the courthouse. im not having him here, not helping, not working, making me worse and worse. i cant live with it any longer. yes hell take the car so i have no way to get anywhere, even groceries, yes hell take his furniture, the couches, tv, entertainment center, bed, and his newish computer. i dont care. i have a bunkbed in tamaras room. id have to let the cable go off anyways. wont be able to afford it. and i have my own puter, its crap, but its a puter, besides, with cable off, no internet, so no need for a fancy shmancy computer. and couches, who needs couches when you dont have a tv to watch. tamara has clothes and toys and a bed and playpen. i have clothes and a place to sleep. and we have enuf food for now, not gonna run out too soon. so i guess driving for groceries isnt a problem yet. only problem is bills. no way to get to a job, and no way to get tamara to daycare while im at a job. maybe my dad will get me a car. right, and it snows in hell too. or, i leave my dads house for him(dad) to take care of, and go to massachussetts with my mom. she will pay for me and tamara to bus it or train it there. no way to get our things there, but w/e. i spose we could start anew. even if moving there pisses my dad's family off to high heaven, and andrews family fights it. its my only option unless andrew sticks it out like a man and grows up. i could care less about him not working, it hurts us, but i like him home. but our relationship sux. and no matter what i try i cant get it to work. id try to be his perfect woman, but honestly, i dont know wtf he wants. and i cant leave him home alone with tamara. he just ignores her if hes not up to playing with her. and diaper changes? pigs will fly first. he gave up on feeding her baby food after 3 spoonfuls. and i cant get it thru his thick skull that babies need attention just like adults do. they cant say in words, hey, im lonely, pay attention. you get wah wah wah fuss fuss fuss, grunt grunt. well the grunts may be a bowel movement, but you get the jist. i know he loves her, but its not enuf. you have to be willing to be responsible and do something about it. your love, just by existing does nothing. you have to act on it.
and fuck, my mom thinks i should tell my dad. fuck that. just what i need, another father daughter advice session from dear old dad. i love him, but i hate hearing shit that while is long winded, and somewhat caring, is still, "I TOLD YOU SO". i hate that. and then dad will confront andrew, and just make more shit that i have to shovel up.
how the fuck do you get someone who doesnt give a shit to grow up? ive tried nice, ive tried sickly sweet honeyed goodness. ive tried sicking his mom on him, ive tried bitch, ask, demand, coax, everything short of getting in his face and screaming at him, or getting physical with him. lol thats hilarious. im 5 ft, 90 lbs. who could i hurt? maybe an infant, but sure as hell not a grown ass man, 6ft 190 lbs. its like a fly running into a dear. except the fly would bite the dear. hed do more damage than i would. im at my wits fuckin end. i dont want any other person in my life other than him. i want no other man to be "daddy" to tamara, and i dont want kids with anyone else. what do i do? i cant even go to counseling now b/c 'hes not taking me anywhere' so i cant even get profesional help with my problems. so i guess i just keep losing weight till im in a hospital b/c my organs can no longer function w/o medical help. or i keep spiraling deeper and deeper into depression untill i kill myself. hurting my daughter is not an option. ever. so i just keep asking myself, wtf am i supposed to do? hoping, that maybe, just maybe, for the first time ever, maybe god will answer. i doubt it. he never helped me before, why should now be any different.