blurb

ok, lol, im still laughing. andrews cat, sadi, is terrified of everyone and everything. always has been. we almost had him broken, but then we moved. ah well. so, to explain my laughter. in the back end of the house we have our stairs to upstairs AND downstairs(basement). they are directly ontop of each other... you get the picture. _ \____ <--- is the top stairs
\ <--- is the basment stairs

ok, so normally he runs along this area next to the stairs to the basement till he can reach at a safe distance the basement stairs. he didnt do that just now. he went straight from bottom of the top set of stairs, to the bottom of the bottom set of stairs. i heard him running, glanced over in time to see him dissappear from sight and THUMP! hit the stairs down below. now, laughing might make you think im mean. im not, he scrabbled for footing and then proceeded to yowl his black head off. yea, hes fine. but, nonetheless, i just felt like posting on it.

pink elephants

ok, to explain this post is gonna take a bit of typing and a roundabout way of explaining things, bear with me.

we have a problem with ants. little pissant sugar ants. they dont like anything not sweet or oily. they live under the house, and in some cases in the walls. during the summer time, its no real problem. they find plenty of food outside. but come winter time, they start getting antsy about food. sorry for the pun lol. so they start meandering around here. now, my house isnt a pig pen, even tho sometimes it looks like a bomb went off inside(really, whose house doesnt look like that sometime, unless you got a maid). but we dont leave anything with sugar out, b/c of the ants, and we dont leave food out for more than a day. sometimes i just dont feel up to cleaning, and b/c of last weeks problems, the house didnt get cleaned for 3 days. tamara stayed fed and cleaned, and thats all that matters. so, the ants had been wandering about, had a few in the living room(im still clueless as to what they were after), a few in our bedroom(soda cans get left there over night and during the day sometimes) and the bathroom. they really seemed to like the bathroom, i have no clu wtf they wanted, but w/e ants are fucked up little creatures. by the way, the seem to travel thru the vents, so i spray around the vent, no more ants.... so i thought. well they finally came to the kitchen vent. after a finger foods fruit puff i missed that tamara had thrown on the floor. well, i sprayed the hell outa it. and rather than wash it up so tamara could wander the floor, i just havent let her in the kitchen when shes not in my arms or in her highchair. well, they found a miniscule path i missed, and wandered up the wall to the counter.... grrr. ants randomly wandering around my counter. the grossest thing in the world. well, to wake up at 4am and see these fuckers wandering over my counter like it belonged to them. i figured out what happened and sprayed. no problems for like 1-1 1/2 days. alla sudden ants all over the wall at the kitchen counter. they came thru the damned power outlet on the wall under the one cupboard. im gonna go insane here. dad suggested boric acid. get a dixie cup, put powdered sugar in, then the boric acid, add water and stir. instant ant take home food. but it kills them. unfortunately, dad didnt have cats or an insatiably curious infant to worry about. i cant leave that shit lying around. and unless i can get an exterminator to go under the house, it wont do a damn bit of good. we tried it before. /sigh. life is just one peice of crap problem after the next.

we did go out of the house today tho. got some neccessities (diapers, always need diapers >.<) and wandered the mall for a bit. im wanting a new item of clothing(even tho i REALLY dont need it lol too many clothes already), but i cant get andrew to give me any imput, and really, neither of us likes the browns that are in style. i likes dark colors, but apparently i look good in bright colors. im tryin to get a better idea of what makes me look good. ill only buy it and wear it if i like it and its comfortable, but its nice to know what sorta things complement you.......
my baby complements me! :D :D people always smile at me when they see her. unless they think i look too young. if i go out with my mom or dad or another 'adult' we always get asked, would you like a kids menu >.< omg, its so embarrassing, not just for me either, that person gets this absolutely mortified look on their face. lol.

oh, i never explained the pink elephants thing. god, im so damned scatterbrained. i didnt use to be this bad, only after munchkin. ah well, i can deal. but anyways on with the elephants. ok, so pink elephants. in... dumbo, he gets like drunk or high or w/e, and him and that mouse keep seeing 'pink elephants, pink elephants, pink elephants on parade'. and the elephants just kept coming. its like the ants, they just keep coming.

i also got a new game whilst we were at the mall. i got Star Ocean: Till the End of Time. its an rpg for ps2. anyone play video games regularly? im a damned addict. id have more games if i had enuf money, even tho id never have enuf time to play them all. got final fantasies, jak and daxter, tales of symphonia. tons more, but dont feel like typing them out. basically, they are books that you play. i play them for the storyline. some of them have really awesome story lines. all the final fantasies do. they can be rather confusing sometimes(final fantasy 7) but are awesome all the same.

i also play, if you hadnt read it before, final fantasy xi. i have had to take multiple breaks from it in the past. pre tamara it was b/c of a lack of computer. but then i had my dads old... yea old lol, its still good, but its not his new one, one to play on and got back into it. i also have to take breaks when i take care of tamara. so in any given day, if i decide to get on, i get.... 5-10 minutes play time before playing with tamara again, or changing diaper etc. and then ill go like days w/o playing at all. unless andrew is willing to be 'mommy' i cant put in more than an hours worth of effort into the game at a time. or even total >.< i kinda miss being able to play all the time. but meh, i decided to keep the munchkin, i deal with it.

and just b/c i just saw an episode of... law and order on tv. all people of any group are not bad. take muslims for example. jsut b/c some of them are seriously fucked up and want to hurt hundreds/thousands of innocents b/c of one stupid cartoonist, doesnt mean they all are. just b/c some white people are extreme racists who do w/e they can get away with to blacks and others (kkk) doesnt mean all white people are bad does it? just b/c some americans rape/murder/destroy/molest etc, doesnt mean all americans are horrible degenerate people. i mean, you cant help but glance at someone who looks middle eastern b/c of all the shit thats happened and wonder "could they have a bomb strapped to their waist?". but it doesnt mean you gotta treat them like shit, or their families for that matter. some pro life people picket clinics where abortion takes place. some talk to kids/adolescents about it. and some go crazy and hurt people who work there and try to destroy buildings and make anyone who has gotten an abortion feel horrible. believe me, anyone who has gotten one already feels bad(unless they got serious problems) and nothing you can say or do will make them feel any worse. i coulda had an older brother or sister. doesnt make my mom a bad person. but she will forever wonder if her life would have been different, maybe better, if she had never had one.

im sorry to rant and rave. but sometimes stupid people making stupid generalizations makes me really angry. angry and frustrated at both sides. the people being generalized(the radicals) and those doing the generalizing. no 2 people are the same. no 2 people are christian/buddhist/muslim/atheist for the same reason. so no 2 people should be automatically grouped together. ok, im starting to run in circles with my talking now. ima go play some final fantasy. kill some goblins or orcs or something. DIE EVIL CREATURES! DIE!! (and no, not all of the gobbies and orcs are bad :P)

reminiscing

this is my favorite new baby picture of tamara. put up for adrienne, (i was feeling jealous and nostalgic at the same time seeing your new baby pic) and for any other mommys. ive decided since then that i dont really like tamara in yellow, it just doesnt look good on her, or green. she got confused for a boy(she was ONLY 1 1/2 month old, but too damn bad, my baby girl is NOT a boy or ever going to be confused as one again). so green is just not her color. actually, she looks best in a very pale pink or very pale blue. they just look absolutely great on her. i had to grow into pink tho. i hate it. well i used to. but since she looks so great in it, i seem to be getting it A LOT now lol.
hell, i even got pink saphire jewelry for valentines day. its a set, ring/necklace/earrings. i forgot b/c the ring had to get sized, it came in the day after Vday.
my baby girl is almost a year old! shes 10 1/2 weeks old now. i feel. i dunno, happy, ecstatic, wierd lol. this first year has gone by so fast. i wont miss the sleepless nights. hell i dont miss em now b/c shes going thru it again lol. but i do miss her being as cute as she is here. its what makes me wanna have another one. altho im not sure i could handle the crying and up every 2 hours and endless diapers and holding and feeding and the fact that you could go 3 days and not remember anything that happened lol. i do not regret it tho. i love my lil punkin nose(my momma used to call me that and ive found that i use it too. along with sweetpea) to death. love holding her, tickling her, playin peekaboo, chasing her down the hallway on all fours lol. she REALLY loves that one. we found out on accident that she likes being in either my or andrews arms, as we chase the other one, going "oh no! there he/she goes! lets go get her/him! were gonna get you!" while she screams/squeals/giggles ecstatically. its hilarious. i dont know bout yalls kids, but when tamara starts laughing, EVERYONE within hearing starts laughing. im dead serious, ive never hear laughter that infections before. makes me wanna do things she likes, like hanging her upside down, putting her over our shoulders, or the best one yet....... *whispers* jumpin on the bed! i know, horrible isnt it? not even a year old and im already teaching her bad habits lol. ah well, in a few years, ill probably hear her giggling, maybe with a sibling, and ill go back with this mean 'your in trouble' face. ask them in the 'mommy' voice "what are you doing?" and then after hearing them confess, ill join her/them and jump with them lol. it will be a blast and a half.

free at last free at last, thank god almighty im free at last!

ok, some people may get mad at me for using that as my title but tough shit. :P is what is what i say :P :P :P

i knew as soon as i got my license back that it would make things better, at least for me. id stop having to depend on people to do anything outside the house. wel today, rather than asking andrew to take me to the bank and go pay some bills, i got tamara all dressed up. this really cute purple outfit. pants, shirt, and jacket, with some cute matching sox. got her shoes on, put my hair up in its now semipermanent state of ponytailness. (tamara likes to pull my hair, it cuts down on confrontations with her about it lol) got myself dressed and shoed, grabbed the keys my purse and the needed papers, and we left! went to the bank, deposited my dads check, got money order for the electric bill, got my birthday money from dads check(he said i could pull out the money :P) while all the bank ladies oohd and aahd over my darling gorgeous tamara. then back to the car we go. to the next bank, to pay electric bill. more tamara oohing and aahing. god i love my baby. everyone adores her. everyone who stops to talk to me, or stops me for that matter, ALWAYS comments on how beautiful/cute she is. now, i knew that no matter what, be she ugly, deformed, angelic, normal w/e, i KNEW that i would always think her beautiful. and nothing anyone said would change my opinion. BUT, since everyone says shes absolutely gorgeous, i KNOW she is! ok, enuf egobating lol. egobating is the equivelant of masturbating, but for your ego. usually only guys do it. but girls are known to occasionally commit the act of egobating. ok, im know, im retarded lol.
so then me and tamara went to DQ, you know the wonderful Dairy Queen. got myself and blizzard, and then, b/c i was feeling nice and wanted to make feel happy like i feel happy when i eat my hawaiian blizzard, i got him one. i got him the new mint oreo one. he likes mint and chip ice cream i thought hed like it. oops, my bad. he prefers cookie dough, i forgot >.< but he ate it anyways. after asking me why i got it. but he did thank me for it.
adrienne. as for why so hot and cold. i dont really know. maybe its just that i get so frustrated so quickly now that i rather quickly go to screaming and have steam coming out of my ears. i dunno, i do know have an almost nonexistant tolerance to any bullshit now. it has to do with the depression. i cant handle anything more stressful than a tear coming out of tamara. im workin on it tho. thats what counselors are for, and mine is wonderful. shes just perfect for me. even if i hadnt decided that id tell my counselor all so he/she could best help me, i know that b/c of how she is id be willing to be completely honest with her. me and andrew are still having problems, a big part of the problem is that i dont know exactly what i want him to fix. i know i want him to listen to me. but beyond that. its a big unknown.
and jessica, i really dont appreciate you taking that holier than thou 'tone' with me. andrew isnt pulling the same shit he pulled with you b/c he never pulled any shit with you. your the one that cheated on him 2 times. and left him. 'we' never happened until you left. and me and you didnt get along past the first few months b/c i saw how you really were.
andrew and my relationship is none of your damn business. if we kill each other, great, if we live happily ever after, great, win the lottery, have a brood of 20 kids, great. its none of your business, you have your divorce and money and there is no reason whatsoever for you to have any contact with him or his family ever again. you already fucked up his life enuf.
now, im going to leave it at that, if you wish to continue i will be more than willing to oblige. however, ive refrained from commenting on your blog so far about untruths, and i will continue to if you leave us alone.
thanx, and have a nice day.

good news!

i just saved a bunch of money by switching to geico. ok, not really, but it popped into my head the second i made the title lol. finally, after months of delays, i got the tickets thing from way back in november, when we were rear ended, figured out. got the no insurance one gone, and a 700 fine for the driving on suspended license. i didnt know it at the time. but, w/e fate has decided to hate me lol. but today, i went to springfield, filed an SR-22, and now i get to drive again!!! no more having to ask people to take me to store, or pick me up so we can hang out lol.
we all took andrews mom out for birthday supper tonight, and andrew was so tired, he had stayed up for over 24 hours now, that i drove home for him. hes decided, that since hes gotten his license back, he doesnt like being driven around anymore, but he was appreciative of me driving home tonight. we got home and he crashed. door --> bed --> sleep in less than 2 minutes lol.
saw my counselor today, told her EVERYTHING, cause see, i see no reason to keep shit from her. shes there to help me fix my problems, but if she dont know wtf is going on, she wont be able to do it right. and i want this done right. she was actually very glad/proud that i told her about almost taking my life. and honestly, i really didnt want to tell her, i could have skipped that part altogether, but i figured if she knows how low i am, she can know what to expect and whatnot.
also, on the weight loss, she suggested baby steps. not whole meals, or bigger meals. just, 1 or 2 extra bites every meal. and to keep foods at home that i can snack on at any given time. right now quantity is more important than quality. never thought id actually say that. also, since i never got a call from the ED clinic(eating disorder) that my doc's office was sposed to refer me to, shes going to as well. i told her only reason i hadnt called them myself was that i wasnt sure if the root problem was my depression and if it was i wanted to fix that first. she said they have a tendency to tie hand in hand. and that i can take care of both at once, and at the clinic they will not only help with the ED, but also with depression issues. and honestly, i dont think meds will help, i think this is life, emotions, and circumstances, not a chemicall imbalance. and i really dont wanna take antidepression drugs. they have too many side effects and my life is crazy enuf as is, i dont need any more aches, pains, and funny feelings.
ya know, talking to someone that is basically a complete stranger sounds completely wacked. even to me and im the one doing the counseling, but honestly, its made me feel better. like, maybe, this is a wierd analogy but w/e, im lancing a festering wound. hurts like hell when you cut it open, but it feels better faster this way, ya know? if i ever get any friends who are new mommies, im gonna watch them like a hawk. an unobtrusive one, but hawk nonetheless. and when my baby grows up, im not gonna let her suffer thru depression alone if she ever... comes down with it. hmm its not a perfect way to say it, but it is a disease/illness.
i know, i yap on and on. but like i said, blabbing to strangers, especially ones you never have to see face to face is kinda... relaxing, relief, hmm i am having total brain farts tonight lol. cant think of half the words i wanna use.
so anys, i just wanted to let ya know i got good news today, and it makes me feel... better. fuck the big words lol.
and thanx adrienne(did i spell it right? i went on memory) for your support and prayers.

life is crap

ok, i almost did a very bad thing today. i have a gun very handy, and it almost became too handy if you get what i mean. however, reason won out on me. i cant just leave my daughter like that. so i ended up calling me dad >.< just got to bad today. figured he should know how im doing. i told him andrew was leaving, he paused and said 'leaving you?' yes dad lol leaving me. almost made me laugh at him when he said that. then my dad, after asking a few more questions asked me one of the sweetest things hes ever asked. he said "what do you want me to do??". i was already crying, but for a second there the tears where kinda happy ones. i asked what he meant and he said, you want me to kick him out, beat him up, bitch him out, etc, what do you want. some days its really nice to be daddys lil girl. i mean, i got a little sister, but ive always been the 'apple of his eye' kinda sick sorta phrase especially considering the sick men out there today, but it fits. my dad was pissed when i got pregnant, but after tamara was born he was the second most proudest man out there, like tamara was his baby instead of his grandbaby. and altho dads never been good with kids under 13, he absolutely ADORES tamara. well, dad and andrew talked it out.
ok i just had a thought, i know, im giving you the blow by blow, and this is personal shit, but wtf, i need to just talk, even if it is online ya know? ok continuing on.
i have no clu exactly what was said, however andrew did let dad know i almost killed myself. so, my dad is coming home w/in the next few days, and he said, 'ill be home in a few days, i wanna see you when i get there ok?' btw, i am not one of those girls who still look pretty when they cry. i get all red, blotchy, eyes and lips get swollen, and when you cry, besides tears is the goobers. yea, not a pretty sight. wierd thing to be thinking about then, but w/e it happens lol.
so like 2 minutes after i get off the phone with my dad, my uncle calls. dad called him, and i swear, if he hadnt been at work, he would have driven the 90 minutes it takes to get here from his house. instead i talked to him on the phone, him letting me know they are there, if i need to get away from andrew, if i need baby sitters, people to talk to at 3am. those people who you know you can talk to at 3am. i dont know why, but knowing that you can just makes you feel better.
however, i have counseling tomorrow, oh, me and andrew have, at least temporarily worked it out, and im gonna have to tell her about today. andrew almost made me go to the hospital over today. if you ever feel like i felt today, call someone, anyone, maybe your mom, or you dad if you got a good enuf relationship, or your best friend. just call someone. if at any later date they find out why you called, you cant imagine how.... grateful they will feel that in your worst time, you biggest moment of need, you called them. and unless they are a complete blockhead, they will know somethings up. i, unfortunately, forgot this.
so dads gonna come home ina couple of days, and, since i havent been able to get ahold of him since he called my uncle, i cant let him know that andrew is not to be kicked out. i did leave him a message.
any suggestions onhow to block out stress. stop worrying, dont become such a big bitch about things you cant help? theyd be greatly apreciated. im a worrier by nature, and my problems keep getting worse b/c i cant stop thinking about them. even when i read. suggestions, ideas, even wierd ones, would be helpful.

well, it appears that andrew and i are no longer an item. he is leaving. cant live with me like this. but he wont do anything to make it work. so i told him he has a day to decide what hes doing. at the end of that day, i will get eviction papers from the courthouse. im not having him here, not helping, not working, making me worse and worse. i cant live with it any longer. yes hell take the car so i have no way to get anywhere, even groceries, yes hell take his furniture, the couches, tv, entertainment center, bed, and his newish computer. i dont care. i have a bunkbed in tamaras room. id have to let the cable go off anyways. wont be able to afford it. and i have my own puter, its crap, but its a puter, besides, with cable off, no internet, so no need for a fancy shmancy computer. and couches, who needs couches when you dont have a tv to watch. tamara has clothes and toys and a bed and playpen. i have clothes and a place to sleep. and we have enuf food for now, not gonna run out too soon. so i guess driving for groceries isnt a problem yet. only problem is bills. no way to get to a job, and no way to get tamara to daycare while im at a job. maybe my dad will get me a car. right, and it snows in hell too. or, i leave my dads house for him(dad) to take care of, and go to massachussetts with my mom. she will pay for me and tamara to bus it or train it there. no way to get our things there, but w/e. i spose we could start anew. even if moving there pisses my dad's family off to high heaven, and andrews family fights it. its my only option unless andrew sticks it out like a man and grows up. i could care less about him not working, it hurts us, but i like him home. but our relationship sux. and no matter what i try i cant get it to work. id try to be his perfect woman, but honestly, i dont know wtf he wants. and i cant leave him home alone with tamara. he just ignores her if hes not up to playing with her. and diaper changes? pigs will fly first. he gave up on feeding her baby food after 3 spoonfuls. and i cant get it thru his thick skull that babies need attention just like adults do. they cant say in words, hey, im lonely, pay attention. you get wah wah wah fuss fuss fuss, grunt grunt. well the grunts may be a bowel movement, but you get the jist. i know he loves her, but its not enuf. you have to be willing to be responsible and do something about it. your love, just by existing does nothing. you have to act on it.
and fuck, my mom thinks i should tell my dad. fuck that. just what i need, another father daughter advice session from dear old dad. i love him, but i hate hearing shit that while is long winded, and somewhat caring, is still, "I TOLD YOU SO". i hate that. and then dad will confront andrew, and just make more shit that i have to shovel up.
how the fuck do you get someone who doesnt give a shit to grow up? ive tried nice, ive tried sickly sweet honeyed goodness. ive tried sicking his mom on him, ive tried bitch, ask, demand, coax, everything short of getting in his face and screaming at him, or getting physical with him. lol thats hilarious. im 5 ft, 90 lbs. who could i hurt? maybe an infant, but sure as hell not a grown ass man, 6ft 190 lbs. its like a fly running into a dear. except the fly would bite the dear. hed do more damage than i would. im at my wits fuckin end. i dont want any other person in my life other than him. i want no other man to be "daddy" to tamara, and i dont want kids with anyone else. what do i do? i cant even go to counseling now b/c 'hes not taking me anywhere' so i cant even get profesional help with my problems. so i guess i just keep losing weight till im in a hospital b/c my organs can no longer function w/o medical help. or i keep spiraling deeper and deeper into depression untill i kill myself. hurting my daughter is not an option. ever. so i just keep asking myself, wtf am i supposed to do? hoping, that maybe, just maybe, for the first time ever, maybe god will answer. i doubt it. he never helped me before, why should now be any different.

Birthdays

so tamara's 1st bday is coming up, well sorta, its april 13, so yea, im a little early. however, if i dont start planning it now, ill forget till her birthday to buy the fixings for it >.< yea, im a procastinator. one of the best. i didnt pack my bag for the delivery till the day Doc told me he was inducing me (it was only 2 weeks early) and we didnt get a car seat till the day before we brought her home lol.

so, im wondering what to do for my little sweet pea's birthday. strawberry shortcake, you know, the cartoon character from the 80's(maybe even 70's). well, shes back, and shes doing good. sheets, blankets, bibs, clothes, bottles, spoons, you name it, they got it lol. and my grandma has been sending us this stuff for her. and i LOVE it! i have no clue why, but i dont. cant stand sesame street, or winnie the pooh, baby loony toons is ok tho. but they also have the party fixings SS style. plates, napkins, cups etc. and of course im almost positive i can get a cake like that. but should i do that for her first bday? i mean, shes not gonna remember it. and i dont know any people with kids her age. or should i not even worry about this for her bday. i also cant NOT invite all the family members that exist, even if they are in Timbuktu, or else id get skinned, alive. and does she get her own mini cake? or do i just give her a piece of the big cake.

so today, i finally had some table food that tamara could munch on. i cut up some bananas. she gobbles those right up. after eating a size 2, and size 3 jar of baby food. i wonder if i feed her too much, but im not forcing her, and hell, even with that much food, she still doesnt turn away, spit it out, or push me away. is there any other way to know? well, i guess ill know when tamara has her next checkup, its in like 2-3 weeks, so if he says shes gained too much weight, ill know, but i dont wanna make her be hungry. also, the formula she takes doesnt fill her up. btw, i did breastfeed her. i could only manage for about a month tho. my breasts just couldnt keep up. and we'd always had problems with her latching on. so we had to switch to formula. but, like i said, she can take a full 8 0z of formula, and be screaming agian 2 hrs later. give her real food, and shes good for about 4 hours.

any suggesstions on helping her have better sleeping habits? i know, i bounce around a lot. i have ADD, :P. we cant put her to sleep before 8-830 pm or shell wake up like its a nap. and if we mess up, and she doesnt get to sleep till midnight, she WILL sleep straight thru till noon. however if we are good parents and get her to bed on time, between 8 and 10, she wakes up like ever 2-4 hrs. and requires a bottle at 6am. am i doing something wrong? please please PLEASE tell me. im at my wits end. i cant let her develope bad sleeping habits, that makes me bad mommy lol. and makes life harder for her. but both me and andrew are night owls, so stayin up till 2 am isnt a problem. hell, give us 2 days, and we both up till 5-6 am steady. its a fight for us >.<
so please, any suggestions would be VERY welcome.

hmmm

well, im bored, i wanted to get on here and talk about something, but it absolutely slipped my mind. and now im frustrated about that lol.
http://www.babycenter.com/general/baby/1433663.html
for those mommys out there reading, if you havent already discovered this, you should read. This is about Baby Violet, Mommy Joyce, and daddy Phil. now, this is the link to the page where you can access all her installments of tending violet. poor miss joyce has been thru it all. she had some bad times and good times. breastfeading and real food. she even had some times of depression. and joyce is a fabulous writer. makes you laugh, makes you cry, she makes you feel so not alone. and then of course are all the people that comment on her every installment. especially when she felt she was going crazy and was depressed. all the support she got. makes you feel like your not crazy, like, fuck, someone else is going thru this shit?
i seriously need to find a momma around here that has a daughter within a month or two of tamaras age. need someone whos going thru the same shit as me at the same time, at the same place. not just someone whos already "been there, done that" which is my mom and andrews mom. its nice, they make you feel a little better, but its SOOO much better to have someone experiencing it NOW. your situations may not be the same, but your both mommys at the same time, and thats all that matters.
right now my little munchkin is having as many sleeping problems as i am. she thinks 11pm - 1am is play time >.< ACK!!!
and to top it all off, i believe, well i dont, but andrew and my aunt believe that i have pneumonia. just what i need. on top of depression, weight problems, financial problems, and baby problems, now i have to get fucking pneumonia? its totally bogus. so tomorrow after the wic lady stops by i have to call my doctors office and get an apppointment to see if i really do have pneumonia.
ok, so obviously i found something to write about lol. oh, and since its on, i really like law and order, and law and order SVU, i really like svu. and i like other shows like those. like judging amy, and fuck, brain fart. but they really rock. i also like the scifi channel, 44 for me. Stargate SG1 and Stargate Atlantis, and i really miss farscape, but i caught an episode the other night on tv, dont member where.
and guess what, munchkin, altho late, has decided its play time >.< off i go

Separation Anxiety

well, tamara has finally started going thru separation anxiety. most babies start going thru it at 6 months. about 2 weeks ago, over night, she finally started going thru it. if i leave the room, for even 2 seconds, she starts screaming. you put her in a dark room, meaning, not well lit, and she freaks out. men with beards make her freak out, scream, and hide her face in my chest or what ever body part of mine is close. hell, andrew has grown out his mustache and goatee, almost a vandyke thing goin on. if he growls at her, which she used to love, it made her giggle like mad, now she freaks out. cries, and turns to me to protect her.
i get to go back to counseling. we didnt have any way for me to, my license is suspended and andrew was working. had no way to get there. but with andrew not working now, im going back. hopefully counseling will get rid of my post partum depression. its affected my eating habits. and not the way depressions normally do. instead of eating all the time, and gaining weight, ive had almost no apetite, and thus ive been losing weight. my clothes are getting baggier, and baggier on me. normally, women would like this. but ive lost almost 20 lbs now and its still not stopping. normally i weigh 105, and im slender, but it looks good. now im starting to look kinda skin and bonesish. and my boobs are dissappearing. pre-tamara i was a 34DD, post tamara i was 36DD, and now im 34B. i havent had to buy bras this small since i was in jr high. i, along with andrew, happened to like my tits the way they were. ah well, at least now that i have bras that fit, my boobs look nice again.
and munchkin is workin on really walkin now. shes shuffling along coffee tables and couches now. soon that will translate into walking from coffee table to couch, or couch to mommy. i cant wait. well, im not lookin forward to a baby outrunning a full grown adult, but meh, its life lol.
and now andrew is playing with my hair. thats my cue to get the hell offa the puter.

car stereo

so last night, since andrew had gotten his tax return, he decided to get a new car stereo. hes tired of the radio playing crap. so after tomorrow at 2pm... well prolly 3 by the time they get done, he/we will be able to listen to CD's in our car. it will sure as hell be nice.
now, as know if youve read my blog in the past week and a half, the 7th was my bday. my mom, being typical her, i love her, but shes far from perfect, didnt send my stuff on time. she sent it last... friday or saturday. its going into friday now, and still no boxes. according to my sister, there is 'one really big one, and one small one'. i just wish theyd get here. my mom is sending a pic of when she was around 19. she was skinny then, and just outa high school. id like to see if i take after her at all. so far in my life i only look like my dad and his side of the family, which some people think is a blessing. it doesnt really bother me either way any more. i love my mom, always have, but, now that she lives in maryland... massachusetts (wtf ever) i like her too. we never got along well, she pushed all my buttons the wrong ways. but now, she can like give me advice and whatnot and since shes so far away, i dont actually have to do it. i can just store it in my warehouse of knowledge to use at my own convenience.
now off to another tangent( i have ADD if you cant tell). i dont particularly like reading the news, or hearing about it. bad things happen to people all the time. all that my seeing said bad things does is give me nightmares. i would never do those bad things. so i dont see why i need to feel bad about them happening. i know, id feel horrible if my daughter dissappeared, was raped/killed etc. but all me watching this shit does is give me horrible fucking nightmares of worse things than yoiu can imagine happening to my baby girl, me, and all those i love and care for. so i live in my own little, narrow world. living life day to day. occasionally i spose i might post on something like... abortion, yea abortion is a hot topic all year round, and everyone gets really vehement in their views.
whats your view on abortion? im prochoice, even tho i have a beautiful daughter, wasnt ready for her, wasnt sure i wanted her, i did end up keeping her, im still pro choice. my affianced, is just as pro life as i am prochoice, and he wasnt sure he wanted me to keep our beautiful little girl(even tho that was before we knew her gender or anything). funny how that turned out. anywho, if you read this, please post on your views. im curious. really i am.

Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Valentines day out there to all you happy, or even mediocre couples. for those of you with out a significant other, it was probably depressing. and im sorry. but for me, its been good. i got the house all nice and clean, so im not spazzin about that any more. andrew also took care of some unfinished business. he was gone an awful long time. i was startin to worry if he was ever comin home. then, after i took a bag of trash out to the curb, today is trash day, he pulls up. he motioned me over, so i came up to the car, and !voila! he flourishes out a happy valentines day rose for me. complete with babys breath, a vase, and water so i dont gotta take care of it. hes so damned sweet. maybe we can talk his mom into watching the baby so we can go out to dinner or something :D or maybe stay home and watch 2001: a space oddyssey, or 2010: the year we make contact, or even miyazaki's flying castle... i think its flying castle anyways. i saw spirited away and decided to raid Hollywood Videos meager Miyazaki collection. i know everyone else is saying it, but ill say it as well, hes a very talented person.

the munchkin is growin again, not surprising really lol, so we had to get her some new shoes. she had outgrown the baby/infant shoes, and wasnt ready for regular shoes, so we had a bitch of a time finding her shoes. had to go to baby depot in burlington coat factory. picked her up some cute lile white and pink shoes, with 2 kinds of laces. your regular everyday white tennis shoe laces, and these cute see thru, ribbin-like pink laces. i chose the cute pink ones. pre baby, i absolutely hated pink. blue, purple, and occasionally green were my colors. however, pink makes my baby look awesome. it really suits her skin tone. so of course, shes got tons of pink things. but her whole world is not pink like some parents are wont to do. but she doesnt get to wear green. last time she did people thought she was a boy. even in blue they dont think she looks like a boy. my grandma thinks the baby has my nose. god i hope not. i mean, i dont have a beak, but its certainly not the worlds prettiest nose. however, andrew likes it, so im happy with it.

Final Fantasy XI

i play final fantasy xi. or ffxi as we call it. i love it. been playing for over 2 years. my main character is a theif. my characters name is Surreal, on Valefor Server. if your ever there, shoot me a line. so, in april, they have another expansion coming out. new areas, but thats nothing new. however, they do have at least 2 new jobs. Blue mage. for any of you that dont play FF games, the blue mage takes skills from monsters and can utilize them himself. also coming is the corsair, or pirate. personally i think the way they have the corsair looking makes him/her look like a pansy but thats just me. anywho, i am looking forward to the expansion, Treasures of Aht Urgan.
i also play Warrior, ninja, ranger, monk, and samurai. but the last two arent very well developed. my significant other plays a Red mage. he also has black mage, bard, white mage, dragoon, and ninja, and those last two are also not very well developed. but we have fun. we play in the 2 different ends of the job spectrum. hes mage class, im melee class. and we both have a blast.

on an entirely different side note, my baby girl is now almost walking. shes got crawling down pat, and stands with no problems. shes just a bit of a chicken shit right now. if she cant hold on to something, she wont take any steps lol. ah well, its all normal. i'm waiting with baited breath for the day she takes those first steps. the house will never be the same >.< :D

I love my chiropractor

my chiropractor rocks. i mean he absolutely totally fucking rocks. i went in so tensed up i was in constant pain. i havent been having the best balance, i cant always see right. he fixed me up so damned good.
i havent been this relaxed in years. i thought immediately post tamara was relaxed. i was wrong lol. i have never had my chiropractor hurt me, probabbly b/c ive never tensed up before. but i was in so much pain, that i was already tensed up. he went to pop my back, and it hurt. but omg i felt so much better afterwards. like someone pushed on my forhead and said, 'be healed!' it was awesome. so yea, im so relaxed i can barely stay awake now >.< too bad, on with Sacred!

Birthdays are fun

well, i love birthdays. the birthday person is allowed whatever they want. they wanna sleep in all day, fine. dont do shit all day, great. go out and party till 3, fantastic. its great. you can do w/e you want and since its ur birthday people feel bad about telling you no. so, fuck, i spose if you wanted to you could get away with murder lol.
but anywho, i slept till 1, which was awesome. ive been sick anyways, i needed my extra sleep. and i was gonna go to the chiropracter, its my birthday, so andrew felt bad telling me no today lol. but i called his office, and unfortunately, no openings. i guess i shoulda gotten up ealier. but, im extending my birthday allowances till wednesday. i know, im cheating. so i get to get all fixed up tomorrow. finally, my back wont be causing me extruciating pain. our bed is going out, i was in a car accident 3 months back, and i had a daughter 9 months ago and that also made my back wacked.
went out to eat. I love IHOP. and they got this new thing, stuffed french toast. its awesome. that was my birthday lunch/dinner. then we went roller blade shopping. ive recently renewed my interest in skating, and i like blading better, so i decided to get me a pair. i need to get into shape anyways. do you have any clue how fucking hard it is to get ahold of a decent pair of roller blades? not your dinky stuck a pair of tennis shoes into something with a little bit of ankle support peice of shit blades. no, i want a good pair. support from the toes to the calves. cant find the damned things. went to Dicks, the new galyans, went to walmart, went to the great escape, and gander mountain. finally, the day is mostly gone, we gave up on searching till the morrow. went and visited my aunt lynn and cousins. they are going thru high school. poor kids. high school is fucking torture for all but a very lucky select few, who i personally think sold their souls to the devil to not be put thru hell during high school. but anywho, my aunt wants us to help them get a few good outfits suitable for both church and everyday. we get to turn my wanna be emo cousin into a prep. great. hes a wanna be emo turned jock. did i mention hes trying to run track? now i love my cousin, hes a dear kid, but i think hes just a little bit confused. got his click confused. you are emo, jock, prep, drugee, or nerd. oh, cheerleaders fit the jock group. hes so confused. ah well.
ah well, off to bed to watch the crappy starship troopers2. its not nearly as good as 1, but he wants to see it >.<

corpse bride, spirited away, and more

ok, i just finished watching corpse bride. by tim burton, you know The Nightmare Before Christmas. unfortunately, i think he outdid himself with it. corpse bride was good, the story was good and the animation was good, it just sure as hell wasnt TNBC. /sigh ah well, it was definitly cute.
i also saw the new batman. it was kinda a let down. i mean, Christian Bale DID make a sexy batman. but there just wasnt a good enuf story there. action was good, almost as good as any other batman. but the bad guys. they just... sucked. i was really looking forward to a suitably creepy scarecrow. first time you see him, i just yawned. the flu is scarier than him. altho Cillian Murphy did look awefully sexy in those business glasses.
now you want an action movie? go see stealth. good story, good actors, good action. good movie all around. i was pissed when they killed one of the characters tho. i wont ruin the story completly by telling you who. they ending was kinda sad tho. but they didnt leave the movie open for sequels. everyone seems to be doing that lately.
like underworld. i went to theaters to see that one and it was NOT a let down. no sirree.
i kinda wish they had left this one open for a sequel, altho i spose they could come out with a prequel. i think i may have liked this one even more than the original. well, the first one.
and now im watching spirited away. i went to hollywood video and asked them where their anime section was, i really didnt feel like looking. and the dude took it upon himself to tell me about all of their anime. they actually have a pretty sad selection considering how many movies they have there. and id seen part of spirited away on cartoon network. yes, i said cartoon network. its one of the few stations on TV i regularly watch. i like most of the cartoons on there. and my favorite anime is Full metal alchemist, but i digress >.<
so i rented spirited away, and this is a really cute anime. the story was a bit confusing, all this shit going on that didnt make much sense, but i just surrendered to the anime and was swept away by it. the story was definitly original, at least i thought so, im sure some would disagree, and the animation itself was really rather good. i would suggest it to anyone that didnt have a problem with a little bit of blood and some occasionally rather creepy characters.
ok, ive talked long enough, time for bed and hopefully some relaxation. tomorrow is my birthday and im getting my back cracked by a professional. i cant wait. im gonna feel so good when my doc is done YIPPEEEE!!

justice sux

so andrews sister went to court today. her daughters father is a drunk, abusive, lazy, drug addicted asshole. so she had to get an order of protection against him. so she had to go to court to extend the emergency order. she of course got a lawyer, but he was a dumb fucking retard. he gave sam everything sam wanted or even suggested and Jen got jack. but the order of protection did get extended. unfortunately, it aint worth jack shit. Jen has to take Kaylee to see Sam, AND pick him up. she also has to go to counseling with him. AND to top all THAT bullshit off, she got a new cell phone, so hed stop harassing her, and she now has to GIVE him that fucking number so he can contact her to let her know when he wants to see Kaylee. if that isnt fucked up i dont know what is. but then, andrews ex also got an order of protection and all he was tryin to do was figure out what the fuck was going on. she used to it to steal his books, some of MY things, and she took a stuffed animal of his that hes had since he was like 5. she told the stupid police and judge he threatened her. yea, like hed ever hurt your sorry ass. yea, the justice system sux. i think someone needs to go and teach Sam a lesson. just as long as it isnt andrew. hes helping me raise my DD.

anywho, its my birthday tomorrow, and i cant DO shit b/c ive got the goddamned flu. i had to get that stupid test, where they stick a well, basically cutip on a bendy wire up your nose. WAY the fuck up your nose lol. all the way almost to my throat. thankfully the nurse let me do it myself. i dont think i could've handled it had she shoved that damned thing up my nose.
so yea, unless i want to infect hundreds of people with influenza, which has crossed my mind, it would take a good percent of these psychos off the streets at least for a few days, i have to wear a mask. i get to look like im infected with the plague, so those stupid people dont get sick. i think all of them should wear the masks. except the babies and kids. ok fine, they are innocent, i spose i can wear a mask, or become a hermit, at least until im not contagious. unfortunately, my daughter has it. i couldnt keep her away from it no matter what i did. by the time i realized i had it, she was already infected. do you know what the worst thing in the world is? your little baby girl/boy burning up with a fever, and you really cant do shit about it. just give her some tylenol, and comfort. and it still doesnt feel like enough. they need to cure all these lousy virus' and shit. for the kids.